I've imagined. I've fantasized. I've dreamed. I've toyed with.
What if? I've asked.
All of the sudden he did it. Just like that it was over for him. He was no more. He was no longer the failed one. No more questions. No more explanations. No more judgement. No more advice. No more shame. No more hope. No more dreams. He turned fantasy to reality. He stopped the madness. He freed himself. No more wasted energy. He got to lay still and chill; literally. The rat race was over.
I've only imagined. He did it. He really did it. It's been two weeks since he's been laid to rest. Life goes on. He's at rest. Win Win.
I cried a long time. It was a deep wrenching cry I'd never released before, almost suffocating me. We weren't close. I don't think I cried for him. I mourned me. He found peace. I'm almost jealous.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Time To Turn Tricks
I wasn't always this bitter. I wasn't always this pessimistic. I wasn't always this ugly. Today I am all these things and worst. I recognize the harm and danger in being this way yet I seem to be getting more deeply entangled. I don't recognize who I am, what I stand for, or who I might want to be. Knowing this eats at the core of me and leaves me totally wreckless.
I've always been a dreamer. Part of me lives in a fantasy world that I imagine. I don't know that that part of me is not crazy. I almost can't tell what is real and not real anymore. It's all starting to merge into one big blur of surrealness; if that can be considered a word. For the life of me I can't understand why every decision that I have made to date has been wrong. The problem can't lie elsewhere but within me. I'm the common denominator in all this wrongness. I have to take full ownership of being wrong. My quest in trying to right this wrong leaves me more and more disillusioned and sets me back even further each and every time.
I came to Virginia leaving behind the only home I've known since moving to the United States. New York is where the majority of my family live. New York is where most of my friends live. If they no longer reside in New York, that's where they too call home and we can always link up there. I left New York, a place that has my heart in search of this imaginary lifestyle and success that I wasn't able to achieve in New York. I came to Virginia, a completely foreign place having only one family tie thinking this might might somehow cure me and solve my New York failures. I was royally wrong. Virginia has set me even further behind in life. It hasn't just taken me back professionally, Virginia has broken my spirit. I've hit rock bottom in Virginia.
Every time I try to pick myself up and dust off, it seems a stronger force swoops in to keep me down. I applied for and accepted my current position as a means to get in the door with the state. I was very optimistic that once I completed my probationary period with the Commonwealth, getting a better suited job and realistic pay would be a matter of time. I was wrong. I have had rejection after rejection and have even been witness to foul play to keep me from being a contender for a role that I was qualified for if not the front runner in that application process. So now where does that leave me?
To make ends meet, I decided a second job was necessary if I wasn't going to get a better position. That also came with challenges. It took 4 months to finally land a part time job. This is not the life I imagined but I won't let pride or inflated self worth keep me from surviving. I was excited when I got this part time job. I thought all the conditions and pay agreed upon would allow me a little breathing room. I went to work the second day and at the end of the night when it was time for me to be paid, I was told that my pay was not agreed on by all parties who owned the business and informed of my new pay; one that is almost cruel for the demands and nature of the job. Not only that, there seemed to be substantially less opportunities for me to work. How could things have changed so quickly? They got to know me. For whatever reason, they decided I don't deserve to be paid a survival wage like everyone else have been concluding for years. It's not them, it's me.
What's a girl to do? I now have a car note, the student loans won't stop, my sister is getting married in Greece in a few short months, I owe back taxes... What is a girl to do? It might be time for me to turn tricks. I can't survive in my current situation. The demands and obligations keep mounting. A trick or two might be the answer. I already feel worthless. What's the point of valuing this body when I could possibly get a decent wage for it while it brings pleasure to someone else. It doesn't make sense for me to hold on to something that depreciates over time. I haven't used it in years thinking I am not in a place where I can share myself with someone else. I keep thinking I should work on myself. I've been working on myself way too long. All this time I could have been profiting from the use of myself. It's me. I keep making the wrong decisions. I might enjoy a life of turning tricks as opposed to my current bleak nightmare of a situation. Who am I to judge? Trick or treat? It might be time to answer trick.
I've always been a dreamer. Part of me lives in a fantasy world that I imagine. I don't know that that part of me is not crazy. I almost can't tell what is real and not real anymore. It's all starting to merge into one big blur of surrealness; if that can be considered a word. For the life of me I can't understand why every decision that I have made to date has been wrong. The problem can't lie elsewhere but within me. I'm the common denominator in all this wrongness. I have to take full ownership of being wrong. My quest in trying to right this wrong leaves me more and more disillusioned and sets me back even further each and every time.
I came to Virginia leaving behind the only home I've known since moving to the United States. New York is where the majority of my family live. New York is where most of my friends live. If they no longer reside in New York, that's where they too call home and we can always link up there. I left New York, a place that has my heart in search of this imaginary lifestyle and success that I wasn't able to achieve in New York. I came to Virginia, a completely foreign place having only one family tie thinking this might might somehow cure me and solve my New York failures. I was royally wrong. Virginia has set me even further behind in life. It hasn't just taken me back professionally, Virginia has broken my spirit. I've hit rock bottom in Virginia.
Every time I try to pick myself up and dust off, it seems a stronger force swoops in to keep me down. I applied for and accepted my current position as a means to get in the door with the state. I was very optimistic that once I completed my probationary period with the Commonwealth, getting a better suited job and realistic pay would be a matter of time. I was wrong. I have had rejection after rejection and have even been witness to foul play to keep me from being a contender for a role that I was qualified for if not the front runner in that application process. So now where does that leave me?
To make ends meet, I decided a second job was necessary if I wasn't going to get a better position. That also came with challenges. It took 4 months to finally land a part time job. This is not the life I imagined but I won't let pride or inflated self worth keep me from surviving. I was excited when I got this part time job. I thought all the conditions and pay agreed upon would allow me a little breathing room. I went to work the second day and at the end of the night when it was time for me to be paid, I was told that my pay was not agreed on by all parties who owned the business and informed of my new pay; one that is almost cruel for the demands and nature of the job. Not only that, there seemed to be substantially less opportunities for me to work. How could things have changed so quickly? They got to know me. For whatever reason, they decided I don't deserve to be paid a survival wage like everyone else have been concluding for years. It's not them, it's me.
What's a girl to do? I now have a car note, the student loans won't stop, my sister is getting married in Greece in a few short months, I owe back taxes... What is a girl to do? It might be time for me to turn tricks. I can't survive in my current situation. The demands and obligations keep mounting. A trick or two might be the answer. I already feel worthless. What's the point of valuing this body when I could possibly get a decent wage for it while it brings pleasure to someone else. It doesn't make sense for me to hold on to something that depreciates over time. I haven't used it in years thinking I am not in a place where I can share myself with someone else. I keep thinking I should work on myself. I've been working on myself way too long. All this time I could have been profiting from the use of myself. It's me. I keep making the wrong decisions. I might enjoy a life of turning tricks as opposed to my current bleak nightmare of a situation. Who am I to judge? Trick or treat? It might be time to answer trick.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
I Date Not
My friends want to know. Co-workers want to know. Family members wonder. Why don't you date? Why don't you have a boyfriend? At first I just didn't know. I think I'm pretty fabulously great... In my head that is.
There is only one guy who can say he was my boyfriend and I'd agree. We dated in high school but didn't survive my freshman year of college. I was heart broken when he felt that he had to let me go, or so I thought at the time. I got over it. It's been 10 years and I haven't had a boyfriend since. There's a few guys who'd say they were my boyfriend but I never agreed to it. Just because we dated for a while, had some likability, and talked about being boyfriend and girlfriend does not mean we got there. We didn't.
It's been so long since I've been united with someone in mutual understanding of togetherness that it'll take my full capacity to give it another go. I sucked at it then and probably suck even more now. I almost can't imagine it. Sure at times it'd be nice to know someone is thinking of you affectionately even when he isn't by your side. It'd be nice to get a hug once in a while or have a companion who is at your beck and call and has to hang out with you. That's all good and dandy but then they'd have expectations of me. They would want to talk and expect to hear from me and get to know me. I don't know me! What am I supposed to tell them?
I'm open to dating as long as he doesn't have crazy questions to ask. Like, what do you do? What are your interest? When was your last relationship? How come you have been single for so long? The only aspect of dating that is appealing is getting dolled up and have all expenses paid. I'm not open to the question and answer session that is expected upon agreement of the interaction. So I don't date.
I don't need anyone trying to set me up either. I'm good. I know I'm not trying to date but some of the options being thrown at me are absolutely RIDICULOUS! No I'm not interested! Just because I'm experiencing a monumental self crisis doesn't mean I've lost all sense of self worth! Just recently I was visiting with friends and an older gentleman present was expressing his frustrations with his 41 year old grown son. The son came up because he called the father asking for a ride home. The dad opened up about how much of a screw up his son has been all his life and how hard it is to cope with as a parent. I know for a fact I was not the only one who heard this. Why in the world would my friend suggest the gentleman set his son up with me?! REALLY??? A 41 year old man calling his dad for a ride? I was speechless! I think I'm good over here by my lonely self. Thanks , but NoO THANKS!
Saturday, July 13, 2013
The Facebook Good Riddance
I deactivated my Facebook account about a month ago. Facebook was causing me unnecessary stress so it had to go. I had been on FB almost from the beginning; back in the good ole days when it was "The Facebook" and exclusively for college students. Here I was 8 years later and a bigger loser than ever. I wish there was a forever cancel option. Damn Mark Zuck...! Years later he's a billionaire and years later I couldn't even afford to properly bury my dead grandmother let alone attend her funeral. Facebook had to go!
My heart skipped a beat when I confirmed the final deactivation prompt. Now what? I deleted the app from my phone. Now what? I didn't know what to do. Since I was at work, I opened a work file to occupy my screen but definitely had no intention of working just yet. I checked my phone throughout the day expecting alerts, most of which usually had nothing to do with me. I survived the day and have been Facebook free for 43 days and counting.
Although it gets easier with each passing day, parting with FB has been anything but smooth. When I went to use my navigation app, it went BANANAS because I wasn't logged on FB. The thing refused to work at first going CRAY CRAY alerting me to log on FB. I moved on to Google Maps and made a happy discovery, it now talks! This small ray of sunshine was short lived. FB seems to have the app world on lock! It took me three additional tasks in order to move on in CandyCrush because I wasn't logged on FB. I won't even go into details with the issues I'm having with my Instagram.
I'm not saying I won't reactivate my FB account but I'm sure it won't be anytime soon. I need to get better first. I don't miss all the LIKES, and the chore of posting pics. Most of my recent pics were staged anyways. When I took a pic, I had FB in the back of my mind. I'd be thinking I haven't posted a pic in a while, this looks like a great opportunity for an FB photo op. Even if I attended a boring, shoot me now function, you couldn't tell from my FB photo op. When I hung out with friends, photo op. If I went somewhere, photo op. But no one saw or could comment on the countless days I spent simmering in my own misery.
If you think the chore of posting staged happy moments on FB sounds pathetic, it gets sadder. What was even more troublesome was that I liked to be LIKED. I felt like a hater if I wasn't returning the courtesy of being liked. Truth be told, I was hating. I'm a hater! With my life being what it is, it wasn't healthy for me to be surrounded by so much to hate on. Every other day someone is getting engaged, LIKE I must. Oh, a new baby, LIKE I must! Don't forget every course that was eaten on the honeymoon, LIKE I must! Then there's Valentine's Day, B-Days, date nights, school plays, graduations, promotions, new homes, new business ventures, fancy shiny gifts, vacations, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LLLLIIIIKKKEEEEE!!!! I was going nuts LIKING and commenting! What about logging on and seeing that a guy you dated 5 seconds ago was now engaged to the ex girlfriend he swore it was over with??? LIKE? Heck NO! DEFRIEND!!! Facebook HAD to go!
If you think the chore of posting staged happy moments on FB sounds pathetic, it gets sadder. What was even more troublesome was that I liked to be LIKED. I felt like a hater if I wasn't returning the courtesy of being liked. Truth be told, I was hating. I'm a hater! With my life being what it is, it wasn't healthy for me to be surrounded by so much to hate on. Every other day someone is getting engaged, LIKE I must. Oh, a new baby, LIKE I must! Don't forget every course that was eaten on the honeymoon, LIKE I must! Then there's Valentine's Day, B-Days, date nights, school plays, graduations, promotions, new homes, new business ventures, fancy shiny gifts, vacations, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LLLLIIIIKKKEEEEE!!!! I was going nuts LIKING and commenting! What about logging on and seeing that a guy you dated 5 seconds ago was now engaged to the ex girlfriend he swore it was over with??? LIKE? Heck NO! DEFRIEND!!! Facebook HAD to go!
Friday, July 12, 2013
Moi
My name is Scherley. I go by ScherlzZz to minimize the syllables. In my head, I'm FABULOUS! I've got it all; looks, brains, personality, charisma, and above all, I'm a good person. For the life of me, I can't figure out why life is punishing me to the tenth power of infinity! I had a good life up until adulthood. Ever since adulthood struck, it's been a downward spiral.
If you're thinking I was born with a silver spoon, NEGATIVE! I was born in Haiti and immigrated to the United States as a child to live with my father. Growing up, I did most of what I was told; I respected my elders, I did well in school, never did drugs, went to college and grad school, and attended mass regularly with my family. Isn't that the secret to attaining the American dream? Because I think I've been duped! In reality, adulthood has left me in tears, confused, bitter, angry at times, depressed, and sometimes I even question the the fairness and judgement of the higher forces.
I couldn't wait to grow up! I had dreams of the BIG Apple, big money, glitz, and the good life. It never once, not even in passing, occurred to me that I'd end up in my shoes. Now that I am grown up, I just want a do over.
If you're thinking I was born with a silver spoon, NEGATIVE! I was born in Haiti and immigrated to the United States as a child to live with my father. Growing up, I did most of what I was told; I respected my elders, I did well in school, never did drugs, went to college and grad school, and attended mass regularly with my family. Isn't that the secret to attaining the American dream? Because I think I've been duped! In reality, adulthood has left me in tears, confused, bitter, angry at times, depressed, and sometimes I even question the the fairness and judgement of the higher forces.
I couldn't wait to grow up! I had dreams of the BIG Apple, big money, glitz, and the good life. It never once, not even in passing, occurred to me that I'd end up in my shoes. Now that I am grown up, I just want a do over.
Hellooooo!!! Am I not FABULOUS?
.jpg)
The Reality: My BFF graduating from med school could not lug her bag on stage to receive her honors. It so happens the bag looks great in pics with my outfit. Strike a pose! I'm the bag holder!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)