I've imagined. I've fantasized. I've dreamed. I've toyed with.
What if? I've asked.
All of the sudden he did it. Just like that it was over for him. He was no more. He was no longer the failed one. No more questions. No more explanations. No more judgement. No more advice. No more shame. No more hope. No more dreams. He turned fantasy to reality. He stopped the madness. He freed himself. No more wasted energy. He got to lay still and chill; literally. The rat race was over.
I've only imagined. He did it. He really did it. It's been two weeks since he's been laid to rest. Life goes on. He's at rest. Win Win.
I cried a long time. It was a deep wrenching cry I'd never released before, almost suffocating me. We weren't close. I don't think I cried for him. I mourned me. He found peace. I'm almost jealous.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Time To Turn Tricks
I wasn't always this bitter. I wasn't always this pessimistic. I wasn't always this ugly. Today I am all these things and worst. I recognize the harm and danger in being this way yet I seem to be getting more deeply entangled. I don't recognize who I am, what I stand for, or who I might want to be. Knowing this eats at the core of me and leaves me totally wreckless.
I've always been a dreamer. Part of me lives in a fantasy world that I imagine. I don't know that that part of me is not crazy. I almost can't tell what is real and not real anymore. It's all starting to merge into one big blur of surrealness; if that can be considered a word. For the life of me I can't understand why every decision that I have made to date has been wrong. The problem can't lie elsewhere but within me. I'm the common denominator in all this wrongness. I have to take full ownership of being wrong. My quest in trying to right this wrong leaves me more and more disillusioned and sets me back even further each and every time.
I came to Virginia leaving behind the only home I've known since moving to the United States. New York is where the majority of my family live. New York is where most of my friends live. If they no longer reside in New York, that's where they too call home and we can always link up there. I left New York, a place that has my heart in search of this imaginary lifestyle and success that I wasn't able to achieve in New York. I came to Virginia, a completely foreign place having only one family tie thinking this might might somehow cure me and solve my New York failures. I was royally wrong. Virginia has set me even further behind in life. It hasn't just taken me back professionally, Virginia has broken my spirit. I've hit rock bottom in Virginia.
Every time I try to pick myself up and dust off, it seems a stronger force swoops in to keep me down. I applied for and accepted my current position as a means to get in the door with the state. I was very optimistic that once I completed my probationary period with the Commonwealth, getting a better suited job and realistic pay would be a matter of time. I was wrong. I have had rejection after rejection and have even been witness to foul play to keep me from being a contender for a role that I was qualified for if not the front runner in that application process. So now where does that leave me?
To make ends meet, I decided a second job was necessary if I wasn't going to get a better position. That also came with challenges. It took 4 months to finally land a part time job. This is not the life I imagined but I won't let pride or inflated self worth keep me from surviving. I was excited when I got this part time job. I thought all the conditions and pay agreed upon would allow me a little breathing room. I went to work the second day and at the end of the night when it was time for me to be paid, I was told that my pay was not agreed on by all parties who owned the business and informed of my new pay; one that is almost cruel for the demands and nature of the job. Not only that, there seemed to be substantially less opportunities for me to work. How could things have changed so quickly? They got to know me. For whatever reason, they decided I don't deserve to be paid a survival wage like everyone else have been concluding for years. It's not them, it's me.
What's a girl to do? I now have a car note, the student loans won't stop, my sister is getting married in Greece in a few short months, I owe back taxes... What is a girl to do? It might be time for me to turn tricks. I can't survive in my current situation. The demands and obligations keep mounting. A trick or two might be the answer. I already feel worthless. What's the point of valuing this body when I could possibly get a decent wage for it while it brings pleasure to someone else. It doesn't make sense for me to hold on to something that depreciates over time. I haven't used it in years thinking I am not in a place where I can share myself with someone else. I keep thinking I should work on myself. I've been working on myself way too long. All this time I could have been profiting from the use of myself. It's me. I keep making the wrong decisions. I might enjoy a life of turning tricks as opposed to my current bleak nightmare of a situation. Who am I to judge? Trick or treat? It might be time to answer trick.
I've always been a dreamer. Part of me lives in a fantasy world that I imagine. I don't know that that part of me is not crazy. I almost can't tell what is real and not real anymore. It's all starting to merge into one big blur of surrealness; if that can be considered a word. For the life of me I can't understand why every decision that I have made to date has been wrong. The problem can't lie elsewhere but within me. I'm the common denominator in all this wrongness. I have to take full ownership of being wrong. My quest in trying to right this wrong leaves me more and more disillusioned and sets me back even further each and every time.
I came to Virginia leaving behind the only home I've known since moving to the United States. New York is where the majority of my family live. New York is where most of my friends live. If they no longer reside in New York, that's where they too call home and we can always link up there. I left New York, a place that has my heart in search of this imaginary lifestyle and success that I wasn't able to achieve in New York. I came to Virginia, a completely foreign place having only one family tie thinking this might might somehow cure me and solve my New York failures. I was royally wrong. Virginia has set me even further behind in life. It hasn't just taken me back professionally, Virginia has broken my spirit. I've hit rock bottom in Virginia.
Every time I try to pick myself up and dust off, it seems a stronger force swoops in to keep me down. I applied for and accepted my current position as a means to get in the door with the state. I was very optimistic that once I completed my probationary period with the Commonwealth, getting a better suited job and realistic pay would be a matter of time. I was wrong. I have had rejection after rejection and have even been witness to foul play to keep me from being a contender for a role that I was qualified for if not the front runner in that application process. So now where does that leave me?
To make ends meet, I decided a second job was necessary if I wasn't going to get a better position. That also came with challenges. It took 4 months to finally land a part time job. This is not the life I imagined but I won't let pride or inflated self worth keep me from surviving. I was excited when I got this part time job. I thought all the conditions and pay agreed upon would allow me a little breathing room. I went to work the second day and at the end of the night when it was time for me to be paid, I was told that my pay was not agreed on by all parties who owned the business and informed of my new pay; one that is almost cruel for the demands and nature of the job. Not only that, there seemed to be substantially less opportunities for me to work. How could things have changed so quickly? They got to know me. For whatever reason, they decided I don't deserve to be paid a survival wage like everyone else have been concluding for years. It's not them, it's me.
What's a girl to do? I now have a car note, the student loans won't stop, my sister is getting married in Greece in a few short months, I owe back taxes... What is a girl to do? It might be time for me to turn tricks. I can't survive in my current situation. The demands and obligations keep mounting. A trick or two might be the answer. I already feel worthless. What's the point of valuing this body when I could possibly get a decent wage for it while it brings pleasure to someone else. It doesn't make sense for me to hold on to something that depreciates over time. I haven't used it in years thinking I am not in a place where I can share myself with someone else. I keep thinking I should work on myself. I've been working on myself way too long. All this time I could have been profiting from the use of myself. It's me. I keep making the wrong decisions. I might enjoy a life of turning tricks as opposed to my current bleak nightmare of a situation. Who am I to judge? Trick or treat? It might be time to answer trick.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)